Tuesday, December 26, 2006

my precious treasure son

My good girl, perhaps when you read this letter you are already 18 years old. I don’t know what you’ll look like when you are at that age, you are most likely a very attractive girl. I also don’t know, when you are reading this letter, what sort of feelings or thoughts are flying through your head. Maybe you are very angry at me for giving you up and letting another family raise you instead of raising you myself; but know that Mommy didn’t want to make that choice either! I wanted to raise you myself. I believe that after you read this letter, you will definitely understand and know why I had to do what I did.

You were born in November of 2003. Do you know why I gave you the name? It is so that you will always, no matter where you are or what you’re doing, carry grace with you and spread that grace among those with whom you come into contact. I hope you like your name. I really don’t know if you will actually use the name I chose for you, but I hope you will always have that grace with you, whatever name you do use.

Ok! Now, let me tell you what kind of person Mommy is and the situation she was in. Mommy was only 18 years old when you were born. She was the youngest person in her family. At home there was Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle and Auntie. We all lived together in the New Territories. I was a very disobedient, rebellious, disrespectful girl. Oftentimes I was rude to others and always had a smart-aleck response. I wasn’t all bad though! There were some good characteristics about me! I had a very positive outlook on life, I liked helping people, I was kind and compassionate towards others. I really enjoyed playing the piano, doing volunteer work and playing volleyball.

After Mommy knew that she was pregnant with you, she was scared and excited at the same time. I was also afraid that your health might be endangered by my bad habits. So, for you, I quit smoking and I couldn’t bear the thought of abortion because I knew that you were a person, you had a life. I felt that you shared so many experiences and feelings with me while you lived in my womb. Luckily, before you were born, you were already a very good baby and never caused me any discomfort. Do you know that when Mommy was carrying you, she almost lost you? When Mommy entered the hospital after that incident, I was so very scared that I would lose you. Thankfully, in the end, nothing bad happened. At first, when the doctor did the ultrasound, you were seen as a boy. You were only 6 months old at the time. Even when I was at the hospital, I was still afraid that Grandma might find out that I was pregnant with you. But at the very last, Mommy spoke with Grandma and she still loved her very much and supported her throughout the rest of my pregnancy, always taking me on walks, buying foods and supplements that were good for my health, buying yarn so I could knit you clothing, and buying little baby clothes for you. She was worried about your health so she always cooked delicious foods for me to eat. Your Grandma really loved you and your Mommy.

Did you know that at the moment you were born, it seemed you were in such a rush to get out? Once you were born, your little hand kept pointing at the clock as though you wanted Mommy to note what time you came into the world! Did you know that you looked just like your Grandpa? You had big, beautiful eyes; your face and body were thin like your Grandpa’s. Mommy will always remember these details. Mommy remembers your birthday every year. Your every action and expression will never be forgotten.

After you were born, right when I came up to see you, you were drinking your milk but you rolled your eyes to watch me and refused to drink. It was as if you knew I wanted to hold you and feed you. While I was holding you, you were very good and didn’t cry and even fell asleep quickly lying in my lap. I watched you sleeping ever so sweetly and I was filled with joy. You smiled at me in your sleep, such a little angel. Once, when I went up to feed and change you, you wouldn’t stop pooping until I didn’t know what to do! Even more, during feeding you kept falling asleep and didn’t drink. Plus, you were fussy! Mommy stayed there for over an hour trying and trying to get you to drink your milk! When you finished, Mommy had to burp you. You didn’t like people patting you so Mommy had to hold you upright until you burped on your own. You cried at the first pat! Afterwards, Mommy held you, waiting for you to fall asleep, but you wouldn’t! You kept looking at me, you drove me nuts! I came to visit you during my doctor’s appointment and took some photographs. Once I set eyes upon you, I realized how much I missed you and I wanted to cry. I didn’t know when I would next see you. I didn’t know when you would be leaving the hospital because you had jaundice and needed UV rays. In addition, you were under weight so you couldn’t leave the hospital. I was very worried about you and really wanted you to be well so you could leave the hospital.

At the time you were born, Mommy was already struggling with her decision and was very unhappy. I didn’t want to be separated from you. It was only when I knew I had no other choice that I released custody of you. It was because I was only 18 years old and I had broken up with your father. I felt that I wasn’t mature enough and I didn’t have the ability to take care of you properly. Even though I really wanted to raise you myself, but with all these difficulties standing in the way, I realized that it was impossible. I’m sorry. I hope you have been raised in a great family with adoptive parents who love you very, very much and who know how to give you everything you need. I really miss you. I can’t sleep at nights, always thinking about you and crying. I wanted to know if you were healthy. After you were born, I kept thinking back on your cute face and your adorable expressions. I worried and thought constantly about how I could feed you, change you, burp you, and just care for you. I remembered your cries and your smiles. Even though our time together was so brief, I will remember each moment I had with you, especially the day you were born and the way you looked. I hope you understand Mommy’s decision.

Mommy really misses you and loves you lots. I don’t know if you’ll be really angry with me, but Mommy really hopes you have a great adoptive family who takes care of you and loves you. I hope when you are grown up, you will choose your friends carefully and protect yourself. When you do wrong, I hope you will recognize and admit to your errors. Never follow in my footsteps! I hope you won’t make the same foolish choices I did. You must obey your adoptive parents and be good! I want you to grow up healthily, study hard, obey your adoptive parents, and be a brave and strong, obedient, good, intelligent girl. Don’t disappoint Mommy! In Mommy’s heart you will always be the most beautiful, well-behaved, lovely, obedient daughter. Mommy will always remember you and those short days we spent together. I will remember every little detail about you, most importantly, your birth date and time. Mommy misses you and even though we are far apart, you will always be Mommy’s little girl. Mommy is with you from afar.


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